I had always said that if I was ever cheated on, I would run my husband over with my car, along with the other woman too. Of course, I never thought I’d be in the position where I would have to choose between taking the high road and prison time, but that’s exactly where I found myself a year ago.
I’ve had a lot of time to think and a lot of time to grieve. I still don’t have answers and I’ve accepted the fact that I never will. I’ve accepted that a marriage I committed my life to has ended and the world tells me that I should be mad about it – that I should out the person who invited herself into a marriage built for two; because maybe if I called her a homewrecker I’d feel better. Maybe if I pulled out my urban dictionary and called her every name in the book, it would change my circumstances. Maybe if she knew … or had a fraction of a clue about what I’ve been through, she would have some magical epiphany and change her ways because let’s face it, telling her where to pick it up and set it down will change nobody.
Believe me, I get that feeling of wanting to lash out but I also know that it comes from a place of pain and deep insecurity and I am not that person anymore. I was to my surprise, never that person. I am strong and I know my worth. I know that it was never about me and the qualities I lacked, it was about my husband and the qualities he lacked and a woman who was so insecure that she went for a married man. That insecurity was birthed from some pain somewhere – at least that’s what I tell myself, and running her over in my car is exactly what a crazy woman who drove her husband to cheat would do – validating every single lie that was told.
No, my ex-husband made his choice but maybe she’s still worth saving. Maybe if we could shelve our pain for 5-minutes and push beyond it, we could re-write the ending of whatever story was written. Maybe I’m completely wrong and if I am, then this was purely for me because nobody wants to carry around anger and resentment for the rest of their life.
The night before my marriage ended I shelved the boxing gloves and reached out to 'the other woman.'Click To TweetSo the night before my marriage ended, I shelved the boxing gloves and reached out to “the other woman” – for my marriage, for my children, for all of the other women who are sitting where I’ve sat, for those struggling with finding the freedom I’ve somehow found, for every woman sitting at a bar drooling over a man with a ring on his finger, wondering if they should walk away (the answer is “yes”), and for me.
This is my letter to the other woman…
(Can we queue Adele’s “Hello?”)
I bet you are surprised to hear from me. I’m sure I’m the last person you thought you’d hear from and you’re wondering why I am reaching out to you. Rest assured, I wish you no harm. I’m simply asking that you hear me out and I think, at the very least, you owe me this.
As you walk down the aisle to your best friend, I’ll be officially saying goodbye to mine. On the day you sign your marriage license, a judge will be signing my divorce papers and the dreams I have poured into for the past decade will be over.
I loved my husband. I’ve known him since I was in the 2nd grade and though I said I would never get married, he woo’d me and made me believe that fairy tales really existed. I walked down that aisle in my white dress, just like you are about to do, and I never looked back. We survived law school, medical school, residency, multiple moves, health issues, multiple degrees, the birth of our children, the loss of others, the adoption of two children, and started a non-profit that focused on orphan care in Africa. It was hard but we were working towards our future … or so I thought.
When you get married, your dreams take a hit as two lives merge together and I sacrificed mine. I gave up my law career so he could have his and I stayed at home and devoted my time and my life to being his wife – the wife I thought I was supposed to be and the wife I thought he wanted. I was not perfect but I was loyal, loving, and faithful. I ran five miles a day so that I could stay in shape, made his meals, had his babies, and I accepted the long hours of a demanding profession. I was there at the end of every day, helped him study for every test, and supported every decision he made. I was the one who told him he had what it took to become a doctor and signed up for the long haul right along with him. I would have stepped in front of a round of bullets for that man … I just know now that he wouldn’t have done the same for me.
And then there was you. You came into his life like a perfect Proverbs 5 and I didn’t see it coming. It’s not like there were arguments at home or statements that might have tipped me off – and I consider myself to be quite perceptive. I was pregnant with #5 after all … a son. The night he cheated on me with you, I knew. I remember where I was and what I was doing. I remember the feeling in my gut when I called and he didn’t answer the phone for the first time in my lifetime of knowing him. I sent him an email and asked him the question no wife should ever have to ask her husband and he re-assured me that he was mine forever and was more committed to me than he was the day we were married.
When he came home from his five weeks of bliss, my hell on earth began. I guess it was easier to keep up the charade from a distance, because when you step outside of your marriage you suddenly become repulsed by the person whose still in it. Do you know how I found out about you? I was in church and I grabbed for his hand and he jerked it away like I had a disease. I walked out to the car – heart heavy – because I knew what I had to ask. And then I stopped breathing … at least it felt like it.
I had always said that if anyone ever cheated on me, I would run them over with my car and for the first time in my life, I was put to the test. I was in too much pain to cause pain though and I took myself to see War Room and set up my own where I prayed to God for over six hours a day to save my marriage instead. Despite the fact that my marriage was in pieces, that I was not the one who put it there, I took vows to God and I intended to fight for them.
Some people say it takes two to break a marriage but that simply isn’t true. It takes two to make a marriage but only one to break it and the damage had been done. The wife who had spent almost a decade pouring into him, his first everything, was no match for the woman he knew for five weeks and the stronghold of that sin. I wasn’t good enough for him … because I wasn’t you. Our dreams didn’t matter, because he had his own dreams and you were the person in them. Suddenly you were more important than his wife, our children, and the life we had built together. What you did that night and after, changed everything. It changed him – or maybe this is who he always was. It didn’t just destroy a marriage, it annihilated a family.
Leaving my husband was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I downgraded from the huge house with all the bedrooms – to a couch and then another couch and then a three bedroom apartment. I did my pregnancy by myself and brought our son into the world without him. On a day that was supposed to be filled with celebration, I was met with disgust and disappointment, because I wasn’t you and I was cut off by the people who promised to love me as a daughter because I wouldn’t accept the way I was being treated and wouldn’t settle for being second … to you. When you decided to move on, I was still no match for the fantasy that was left behind.
So I wrapped up my guts post c-section because I didn’t have the luxury of pain meds or honoring a weight restriction, took shallow breaths to combat the six weeks of pneumonia I had been fighting, and I hauled my kids to the store because we needed groceries and who else was going to do it for us?
Six weeks post-baby the two children we adopted several years ago were finally released to come home, only he wasn’t there by my side to get them. I transitioned from a woman of two with a husband, to a single mom of two, three, and then five. I was told I couldn’t handle kids with special needs but I did it and I’m doing it and sometimes I don’t know how. My adopted children were torn apart by the rejection of the father they’d seen only a few months earlier – the one who had promised to love them and give them a home … but that was before you.
Can you imagine what it must have been like for them … to wait three years to come home only to realize that the pictures they had poured over for so long no longer existed and what that does to children who have already been rejected and abandoned too many times to count?
During this entire time, I worked no less than 50 hours a week from home because I had to have a job and wanted to be a present mom too. I took not one day of maternity leave because I couldn’t. I didn’t have a choice and I had to keep going. Someone had to think about the kids. Someone had to stand in front of five tiny children and protect them from the bullets. Someone had to answer the tough questions and try to shield little kids from big kid problems.
The last year of my life, has been absolute hell and I now understand why sexual sin is in a different category of it’s own because it is so incredibly destructive. I cannot begin to tell you how many lives have been hurt by this and there is probably nobody else in this entire country sitting in my circumstances single parenting five children under five, two sets of twin (via adoption), two adopted children, two who don’t speak English, two with special needs, and an infant, while working full-time, drilling wells in Africa, and being a full-time stay at home mom.
I am not telling you all of this to pile the guilt on you before your wedding day. (Believe me, this is but a chip at the surface of what I have had to endure.) I’m telling you this because you’re getting ready to walk down the aisle to the man you’re going to pledge your life to and I desperately want to plead with you to take your vows seriously. I want you to understand that what you did had consequences so that you never ever do anything like this again. I want you to understand so that you can spend the rest of your life pouring into your marriage so that nothing like this happens to it. I want you to view the wedding ring differently, not just because you’re getting ready to put one on your finger but because you will hopefully realize that there is another person wearing a wedding ring too.
Despite everything I have been through the past year, all of the hard days, sleepless nights, grief, birth, adoption, moves, and the loss of family, friends, and my husband, I want to tell you that I FORGIVE you. Though you have not sought my forgiveness, I didn’t seek it from Jesus before he died for me and I believe that God has plans for you and he wants to deal with the pain you’ve experienced in your life that led to this and use this situation for something good. He wants you to follow him and honor him with your life and I want you to feel the blessings that come with doing so. It is only because of him that I am not angry, resentful, and am still breathing.
I fought for my marriage and I lost, but when I walk out of that court room and you’re walking down the aisle, I’ll say a prayer for you – that you will never ever have to be in the position of fighting for your marriage like I have mine, that if and when you have children, they will have two present parents who love them and put them first, and that your years will be filled with nothing but love and happiness.
Megan
I’ve read often enough that everyone has the potential to be a cheater. Almost always by cheaters trying to justify their actions. I don’t accept that excuse.
Some people have the strength of character and personal ethics. Self-control is frighteningly missing from so many today. When times get tough it is “Me” vs “Us”. Cheaters believe that their happiness takes precedence over everything. They ‘deserve’ to be happy, feel desired, and they do whatever they need and want without a thought to the consequences, without a thought too the pain and destruction their actions cause others. Their behavior is selfish and thoughtless. They behave exactly the way small children act when they’re not given what they want. They grab the toy from another child, when caught they blame others and throw tantrums. They demand instant gratification.
Humans are supposed to develop self-control, take responsibility for their actions, develop an understanding of right and wrong.
I’m baffled why people who are unhappy in the relationship are unable to control their libido long enough to end the current relationship before starting a new one. Isn’t an open honest discussion about the marriage issues simpler than the lies and subterfuge of an affair? Even if the issues can’t be fixed, a divorce is less painful than an affair for the betrayed spouse and children.
Strength of character keeps some of us from ever considering cheating.
How to say this…I am dealing with a husband that has cheated so many times, yet I still love him. I know who he is and feel as if he has gone through the past 5 years in a different person’s body, possessed by a demon. This week we have been married for 24 years. I had zero expectations and here is the reason….this past year, I discovered he has a daughter in another country that was born 5 days after his birthday, that he has had them come visit him on his business trips often. She will be 2 years old in 4 months. Her mom, the AP, does not want anything to do with my husband because he gave her an STD. Yeah…He also visited massage parlors while he traveled. She will barely allow him to see his daughter via Face-time. It makes him sick that he can not have a relationship with her. He does not want to give up this little girl and be obedient to God. He said he was obedient to God for the first 19 years of our marriage and it lead him to a “horrible” marriage. Yes…I was not the nicest person to my husband, but he uses this to justify his actions. He stated yesterday that he will put his daughter above our 3 kids soon, that he is tired of putting her second. He told me that if I am going to pray for him, that I can pray that God does undoubtedly show His power and presence in our family and gives him a peace that letting go of this little girl is the best thing for him. Our 3 older kids know about the little girl. I told them about the AP. They never got mad at their dad. The whole thing was strange. My youngest, who is 17, told me the other day that he does not think his daddy even cares about me. Sometimes I could not agree more. But, I see a side of him that no one else sees. We are going through a HUGE transition phase right now and I know that tensions can only escalate. He sleeps in another room, but snuggles in the morning, nothing more. The affair partner has reached out to me 3 times since January. It was to see that what my husband was telling her was true and to tell me things that he has done, which I already knew. I did not think i owed her any reassurance that what he was telling her was true. What I did do, is share the gospel with her, understood her pain, tell her what a beautiful little girl she had and that she was being a wonderful mother. I just need prayer. He needs prayer. We need God to show up and make it known that obedience is so much better than following one’s heart. The heart is desperately wicked, who can know it?
Am I the only commenter who’s wife cheated? 18 years of marriage and I discovered that she’s had two affairs in the last 12 months! She also has one six years ago that I forgave.
It’s a nightmare for us committed husbands.
I am so sorry you’re going through this Bill.
I haven’t read the comments yet so I don’t know but women cheat just as often as men do. So you may be the only one in the comments but not in reality.
Hi Bill,
You happen to have the same name as my husband.
We have been married 30 years this year but we are currently separated because I forgave him so many times and gave him the benefit of the doubt after cheating on me repeatedly.
I have just spent the past 17 months in a state of trauma because I found out in November of 2017 that my husband has been cheating and lying to me almost the entire time I have poured all of myself, my love, basically everything I am into our marriage and family all of these years.
I am alone now and am going to be 59 this year. On top of everything, he has played the victim and has made me out to be the villain.
I am in shock. Completely in shock that a human being could possibly violate another human being like this. I honestly don’t know what to do. I have been 100% loyal and faithful to him and took care of him in every aspect. I even raised two children while working two jobs to help him school for a career.
I am now left, disabled from all of his abuse over the years, our family and girls shattered.
And he is just walking off and looking for a new girlfriend 40 years his junior.
The sad thing is… he is a very good liar and manipulator who I am sure is going to go on and hurt many more people in life.
I am simply sickened over how people like this can possibly live with themselves.
You sound like one of the good men out there and it sounds as if you had the same thing happen to you.
I am so sorry. It isn’t only women that get hurt but a good man like yourself also.
I will think of you tonight.
Lin
Your experience sounds similar to mine, just less years. We were married 22 years. I’m now 49. It’s been two years since I found out about the affair, and I still find different things out but I’ve been divorced since September and trying to have a fresh start. He is also playing the victim and I’m the bad guy. If I ever questioned anything it was ‘Trust me’ and ‘I believe in my vows’. So not the truth. Very manipulative and basically a con artist.
I can assure you that you are not alone. My husband cheated by let me tell you I know of many women doing it & it makes it no less painful because the spouse is a man. Very sorry you were a victim of this heart break!
Edit by is supposed to be “but” after “cheated”
The best thing I ever did was out my wife and the arrogant, hypocrite, serial cheating, drunken, chain smoking, porn watching, twice divorced, psychopathic ex-preacher. His 8 years of preaching and preying on vulnerable married women in and out of church ended along with their 5 month affair.
Almost everyone wants to keep an affair secret. Most people blame the women and make excuses for the men. Affairs destroy marriages, children, churches and communities. Quit covering for and enabling cheaters.
Get solid, undeniable proof and out them both publicly. Then let them deal with the shame, guilt, hurt reputations, dirty looks and comments in public. You can bet that everyone will be keeping a closer eye on them both for a long time.
I cried while read this post. Megan, you are incredible and strong person.
Reading at your story reminded of how i am going through right now. Instead of continuing to get myself hatred in resentment, I am in peace and waiting for the final preceding date to sign, seal, deliver for freedom. He’s once commented ” Your health is either a blessing or a burden to the children.” Suddenly I felt awake and relieve that I have to leave this man of mine to the other woman and hopefully he changed for the better if not, she gonna go through the hell out of how i was going through. Yes, it’s amazing how everything can seen so right for him currently and people around him moved on and act as though things doesn’t happen at all. But God once send a verse for me Romans 12:19, if they remain unrepentant, God will do in his way. God has a reason for your beloved to leave out of your life before it turn toxic and unhealthy. He see the worth in you, you deserve more than ever! I won’t be able to stay resilience without the help of God and his people send into my life at the dark time of my life. Thank you for the constant reminder that I’m not alone and happy to read your post.
Thank You for your post! I’m right now experiencing the same issue. He left me for a woman who promised Veterans Admn. benefits, she has been almost seven year employee, he also had help of his mother, who is allowing receive his SSDI funding as immortal support money, she and the father support him in his unethical acts of adultery. After reading your post, I felt comfort in what you said about repentance.
C
It’s been about 8 years since your affair with my husband began, and I have no idea if it’s still going on, but I want to let you know what it has done to me and my family.
Pursing my husband has taken a heavy toll on me “his wife” and our families, your actions have personally effected our family base to the core. I have suffered chronic anxiety, panic attacks, mental anguish, and even thoughts of suicide in the beginning. Your relationship with my husband broke my spirit and my body. I had chronic TMJ, I had constant stress headaches, chronic neck pain, fatigue, and depression. I have felt like someone I loved had died, it’s such an empty feeling there are no words to describe it. Because I still had to be a mother to our kids I had to fight hard to get through it so I went to see multiple doctors to help me work through the physical side effects that my body was going through. I saw multiple internal medicine doctors, a neurologist, and a physical therapist for my TMJ, an orthopedic specialist for my neck, I even had injections into my head to try to elevate my headaches and the nerve pain. It also took me over 3 years of seeing a phycologist to make a dent in the mental pain I was experiencing. Like I said you and him broke me.
I know I could have been a better mother, daughter, wife, and friend to all the people in my life had you not stepped into it.
What makes this situation worse, is that you actively went after him when you knew he had a family. You see I know my husband and he was not the aggressor in your relationship in the beginning, you were. If course he holds blame but it was you, you that went after him. I know where you met him in Plymouth and I know that your house is really close to this location, in fact he even took me too it one time years ago when I was going to confront you, but you were leaving with your son Zach and I did not want to ruin his life like you have ruined mine.
When I found out about you and your relationship with my husband I was actually standing right in front of you, he introduced us. I knew at that exact moment that you were sleeping with him, and I was devastated. I actually had a breakdown as soon as you walked away. I knew that the moment I was out of his sight that evening you would both be sneaking off to have sex and I knew it wasn’t the first time. I know you had multiple girlfriends that covered for you so that you could see my husband, I met a few of them on a few occasions. The next time I saw you, you were with your husband and shared that you had been together since high school, your husband seemed nice but unattractive. I’m guessing he was naïve and had no idea what was going on. He might not have picked up on the energy in the room that night between you and my husband, but I did. Again I was devastated, because I knew what I had witnessed that first time we met and it was true, you were having an affair with my husband.
I know your relationship with my husband was exciting, new and different in the beginning – he is very attractive, fun, and easy going. Believe me I know this because he is the person I have planned to spend my life with since we were young, so I know. But because you have actively taken part in destroying our really strong relationship, and caused so much unbelievable hurt in the process. I will never forgive you or him.
I know you have a daughter, a son, a daughter in-law and a granddaughter that moved into my area in 2015, I wonder why they chose my neighborhood, did you have a play in that? If you did that is really unbelievable, I wonder how they would feel knowing that you encouraged that location? Please don’t push me to tell them.
This relationship you have with my husband needs to come to an end now. At some point I will become a grandmother like you and I don’t want all the hurt you’ve caused to be brought into a new part of our lives, we have all endured enough. I really hope you never have to experience the gut-wrenching heartache that I’ve had to endure for over 8 years because it is beyond anything words can describe. There is absolutely nothing like the feeling of being betrayed by your best friend, your soul mate, the father of your children.
I think it’s time to come clean to your husband and leave mine alone, I have no idea how you could have done this to your family.
Most Sincerely,
A woman who just wants the rest of her life to be happy.
What you wrote is lovely and healing. My boyfriend acted like our relationship was serious and moving forward… when in reality, the last month we were together he was having sex with some person he had dated briefly in the past, now fully enhanced with breast implants. He took her on a ski trip and to a wine safari (he’d been with me to those places previously, so learning this was extra painful). They also went to Universal Studios and he went to her kid’s party. How do I know all of this? Okay, this person is a makeup artist and I work in an entirely different field that has to do with law. But as it turned out, photographers and makeup artists I have used for headshots and other photos knew this lady. I was at an event, speaking with these people, and telling them how proud I was of my boyfriend. When I mentioned his name, one of the people there told me I should check because their friend (this woman) was dating him. I confronted him, he confessed, and that was that. I wished him/them the best and thanked him for a year of happiness. My son and my mom really liked this man. And I loved him! I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him. The year we were together was the best one I’ve had…he always acted loving, respectful, kind; I always felt at home and at peace with him (but paradoxically also excited!), and tried my best to make him happy because I truly respected and trusted him. Every day I woke up thanking God for bringing him to me. I thought he was an inspiration and a role model, not to mention very true to his/our religion, if you can imagine that. This whole thing shook me to the core, but I have lost two of my immediate family members and my best friend in recent years, and I’ve built resilience. I honestly have no idea what drove him to do this… if anything, I would assume it was a “crime of opportunity” and can harbor no ill will toward someone who enriched my life before the infidelity started, and I still admire him on other levels. Would I like to confront this woman? Of course, especially since I suspect she knew full well that he had someone when she made the first moves. But it would be giving her too much importance. She’s a fairly attractive, rather flashy lady, and there are many similar women where we live– he would probably have cheated with another one of them (or several) if she hadn’t come along, I’m seeing other people now and trust/pray I will find a wonderful man who is honest, and I think life will eventually catch up with her without my lifting a finger. As the saying goes, the way you get him is the way you lose him. Or, if for some reason it really is God’s plan for them to be together, well, it’s good that I found out the truth sooner rather than later. But I do question why he was placed in my way if that is the case. It would have been, at least from my limited, human perspective, best for us to never have met.
And here l am sobbing my eyes off because my husband and his girlfriend seem to have it all, the loving bound that wasn’t there in our marriage , the wealth that we never experienced, so many times it’s so easy to focus on what’s going wrong and to become bitter and not better because of circumstances we can’t control. Thank you for your letter, l sure hope and pray that God can give me your strength , because only a strong woman can forgive and pray that the third person responsible for the break down of their marriage would never experience what they experienced.
I am in the midst. Sometimes I wish that I had a button that I could just push to turn the love off but then that is not what we are called to do. Reading your letter was a great reminder to continually seek the Lord. I gave up so much over the last two years to keep my marriage intact but I have finally let go. I am walking away with no regrets because I did everything I possibly could. I finally realized that I lost myself in the process of trying to hold on to something that was already broken. You have to understand that culturally having more than one wife is ok but I have always told my soon to be ex husband that I am not made for sharing and God doesn’t expect that of us. Reading your post encourages me and gives me hope that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I’m ready for this heartache and pain to go away. I’m ready for God to reveal what his plan for me is. Thank you for your post!
WOW PRAISE DA LORD!!! IM SO BLESD BY U’ALL & UR WRITEUPS THANKU THEY HAV ENCOURAGD & BLESD ME IMMENSLY GOD BLESUAL WHEN DA WHIRLWINDS OF DCEPTION STARTED STIR’IN N MY SPIRIT I IMEDIATLY TURND 2 JESUS ~taking snipets from each of u tels my Story ….
I’m sitting here crying after reading that.
My marriage ended when I caught my husband having an affair. I never suspected a thing.
He remarried a few years after our divorce. Not to the woman he had the affair with, but to someone he had known for approximately six weeks. They divorced after only a few months. Because of his infidelities.
I’m struggling now because I am finding out that his infidelities were rampant. I only knew of one woman. The one who led to our divorce. I’ve discovered four more. And the woman that he cheated on me with? He’s been seeing her all along.
My marriage was one complete lie. There is nothing that I can look back on and say, “Yeah, I was happy then.” I was happily ignorant. Nothing was as it seemed. The man of my dreams was a nightmare. It’s made me doubt everything. It’s made me doubt myself.
Just wanted to get that out. The letter you wrote was/is incredible. Thank you for sharing.
Yes to all of this. I just haven’t wrote mine yet…and honestly am not sure who to write it to….sexual sin and addiction is horrific and like you said destroys our families. I’m also living this. I’m clinging to God with everything in me. Believing he has this and yet at times the loneliness is more than I can bare. I have two small kids we drove across the country alone last August after my husband had come clean and said he wanted to work on our marriage. So, here we are alone after finding out about 3 more women… Like you I tried to be close to perfect was everything I thought he wanted but there are so many others…sigh so with that being said and seems like all of us reading this are going through this. God has us! He wants to give us hope and a future…
Our spouses addictions are not about us and yet the pain at times unbearable. So y’all just wanna let you know you aren’t alone! Praying for you all!
My heart goes out to you and your children. I stand in awe of your strength and while I cannot imagine the stress and exhaustion you must live under, I know very well the power and courage motherhood gives.
What is heartbreaking is how often this scenario is played out. The cheating husband abandons the faithful wife, very often during pregnancy or immediately after baby is born, whining that she doesn’t make him ‘feel special’ or stroke his male ego, or they don’t have sex often enough, or she’s boring (she doesn’t dress up and go out dancing in clubs etc).
It baffles me how self-centered or unsalvageable stupid men can be – comparing the AP’s brief moments of 100% doting attention to the wife-mother-chauffeur-cook sometimes working woman etc.
Yet when he leaves, in over 2/3 of the divorces the ex and children’s standard of living drops significantly, often forcing them onto food stamps, or a woma who’s been out of the workforce for a decade to try and re-enter at a level to support a family. The ex-husband’s standard of living usually drops only a little.
Cheaters some how believe they can walk away with few financial responsibilities and too often they get away with it.
Same goes for exposing the children to the ex and his AP. Children see and hear everything. Do you want ex and gf helping shape your childrens’ morals? Son learning about trust, how to treat women, or sanctity of marriage from his father? Recently I’ve had friends put restrictions on exes’ time with the kids. 2 weekends a month (pretty std) but not to be anywhere near AP (or any future gfs), nor stay at exes home if he lives with AP or gf.
Citing Christian beliefs, judges have allowed it.
Also wives need to demand not only child support (to be garnished from paycheck before distributed to ex) but alimony, 1/2 cost of avg reasonable college for yrs child would go be put into special account managed by 3rd party, cover medical/dental – at least 50%, 100% if ex has it thru job and wife has none.
Depending on father’s income level some have added things like guaranteeing ex pays for 1/2 daughters’ weddings, 1/2 car when child reaches driving age.
Just making sure that his children from the first marriage receive the same financial support as subsequent children, because sadly they may not receive the emotional support.
You can still forgive him, but just know that it will probably take his children a lifetime to forgive and forget.
Megan,
My heart hurt after reading your story. You are a true Godly Woman. And thank God for giving you Light at the end of the tunnel. Also, Thank you for creating this page for others to pour out their hurt life story. I also have a story that I’m still coping with. I also was betrayed by my husband for a year. I found out he was texting/talking but more texting another woman. I thank God that that’s all he did was only chat with this woman, who also attends our church and works in the same company as him. So, of course I knew something was going on because he was always on his phone texting in our bedroom while me and my children would be in the living room watching TV. We would argue because I will ask him who is he always texting..and I’ll make comments like there he goes on his phone again. I guess you can call me naive because I’ll believe him that he was talking to his church buddy because they always horse play in person and by text. Well, I started to Pray to God to bring the darkness into light. And sure enough I started to look over our cell phone logs. And there I was a number that WOW crazy back/forth texting…I mean more than my number…so of course I would ask him who does he talk to when he’s away from home…and he would say his buddies…sure…so that evening when he came home from out of town, he already knew something was up…because of the questions I was asking before he arrived. Let me just say that before this had happened, I had a don’t care attitude and I didn’t care how he felt, he did always wanted to talk and work things out but I was a horrible wife that I would just turn away and thought that the issue would go away…so because i neglected him in that way and I also neglected him when it came to intimacy…my excuse was I’m tired which I was most of the time. So, I did push him away to where he found someone he can talk to…don’t get me wrong we always communicated but after being together for about 25 years we grew apart on what to say other the usual, work, family, etc. Well back to the day he came home. I did confronted him…he did confess about something else that I was in shock…I will keep that confession to myself…but then I said who is the number he’s been texting, he finally told me…and of course when you find out we ask the usual questions who is she, where did ya’ll meet, etc…I called that number and she never answered…so I broke his phone, cut him out of our bank acct, disabled his data, etc…i did all that, that night. So, he kept on calling and texting me…he was still in the driveway, that really crushed me into pieces. Because the so called Godly man, the man I knew 1/2 of my life, the man that Feared God, who would not do something like this because he had so much to lose, did this to us to me. I was crushed because I believed his words, you can say that I also took him for granted and I tricked myself by saying nah…he wouldn’t do something like that to us because he’s a man of God and he loved us too much, he loves our children. So, I fell into depression for 3 days all I did was cry hardly slept, didn’t eat or drink. Until new year’s i had to get up for the sake of our children who are not little to not know whats going on, they knew what happened by reaction when I found out. I did let him in that night but I was upstairs because I didn’t want to see his face. We texted all that night while he was downstairs. He didn’t care what i said he went upstairs because he had to see me. He was sorry, etc…the next morning I texted the number then later on she finally texted. she responded that it was innocent, they only talked she knows with out a doubt that God sent him her way because what she was going thru with her and her husband, she was to the point of wanted to commit suicide and take her husbands life too, and that my Husband would put out there his love for me, he Loves me with all his Heart/Soul. But that he basically saved her life, I did tell her why ruined another woman’s life she could’ve seek a counsel for help and now she understand that she should’ve gone to counselor to seek for help…because she was in my shoes, I’m going to assume her husband cheated on her…so of course I said so why do that to another woman…anyways after the back/forth the Lord touched my heart and I forgave this woman that day. And she reassured me that she will never contact my husband and I have the phone logs for prove. Fast forward-I still had a feeling that the person’s name and where they met was not right…and he would reassure me that it was…so once again I prayed to God to bring the darkness into the Light if there’s anything…and my God is awesome because he did again. I was able to locate the name and much more of this person by the phone number. I was at home and my mind started to wonder that there a certain person at our church that i haven’t seen lately since the new year and after all this mess. So I went to my church folder and sure enough I found her name and it was the same name I had found. So, I confronted my husband again, and he still didn’t admit it. Until later maybe days later, we were talking about how i had to let go and move on to fix our marriage. So, I brought it up that I can’t because I know the truth about this woman. And he finally said that yes it’s her but he did it to protect me because I have a couple of ministries at church and he didn’t want me to lose them. So, that’s exactly what happened I could not face this woman at our church, I let go of everything. He was crushed because of his Sin and i was innocent i lost everything i loved, God also had to crush him and remold him to be sensitive to me too. So, month later I did go back to visit and sure enough she was there. I question how can she still show up? But then again she doesn’t know that i know, and to top it off with a cherry on top…she doesn’t know that my Pastor/wife know of the Sin that was committed…So, I want to confront her but I don’t know what to say? I can tell you that our Marriage has been better and stronger than before because I took this as God had to break me and remold me from a cold hearted wife to a Loving, Caring wife. God has given me Strength to have Mercy & Grace towards my husband. And he’s sees that Now…that I am a Woman of God. I don’t feel any hate towards him, I ask myself why don’t I feel angry or hate him for doing this? But I just have God’s peace inside me. And as for her I do want to confront her…as mentioned above I don’t know what to say or how to start the text…
We have been praying for God to guide us, does he wants us back to our church or find another one. Give us a word, a sign, a dream, send someone that would give us confirmation on what we have been praying about. Can someone or Megan give me advice on or what to say to confront this woman in a Godly way of course. It’s weird because when I saw her at church, I felt sorry for her, she looked horrible. I need to do this in order to move forward.
To all that are hurting and got hurt by the Betrayal of our husbands. WE can only seek God and praise him when we go thru storms, because Man will Fail us but our God will never leave us nor forsake us. I am still hurting but not as much as before because I pray for God to give me Strength and he has restored our Marriage and change me and my husband. God gave our Marriage a second chance and it’s been stronger than ever.
Thank you & God Bless.
All the best to you, Megan. Thanks for saying things the way you do. Ruth Whetsel
Thanks Ruth. 🙂
I’ve been looking for somewhere to express how I feel very long time. I don’t have friends and seems like this is the best place to express how I feel about my husband cheating on me. I’m trying to find a way to front two women that He cheated on me with. The first one was a coworker young divorcee with two kids, And the other one is Divorced and single and also works with my husband. I lose sleep thinking about my daily life as a mother and a wife I try to be positive. Some Days are good, but I can tell you the majority of them are horrible. All I think about is his Extramarital affair that he had and the affair that he’s having now with somebody else. I found out where they both live I just went by there I almost got in a car to approach them both, but that’s not me. What stops me is my two beautiful children. I did not grow up with the fairytale family so I wanted to be able to give this to my two children and I thought I had it, but I was living a fairytale . My husband and I have had this discussion when I first found out about it two years ago he promised and said it was nothing but they all say That. He took her to the one place where I wanted to spend time with him in a city that we planned on visiting for a while he took her there first and had the nerve to have pictures of the bedroom and lovers cards on the dressers and I just so happen to follow the trail of lies and found out the exact hotel they were living in and even the bedroom they stayed in. I am exhausted with this obsession what do I do? I don’t feel like I can get over this if I don’t meet both of these women and let them know that I know what happened, but what good is it going to do? Am I out for revenge? I don’t know. what is going to happen to my marriage? I don’t know. Do I still love my husband? Yes. Do I want this marriage to work out? Yes. but I can’t continue to live a life in feeling sorry for myself. I’m distraught about this whole thing. I don’t feel like I can get over but I know what happened but what good is it going to do me? Am I out for revenge? I don’t know. Where does my marriage stand after this? I can’t continue to this no quality of life like this. I’m distraught about this whole thing. What advise can you give me if any?
Hi, I will write my story later but I thought your piece was spot on. This is a fantastic article from the perspective of a cheating spouse… basically – don’t do it! I highly recommend it to anyone going thru this and if you suspect or know your spouse cheated (esp. a husband)… pass it along…
https://www.news24.com/You/Archive/dont-be-me-and-live-with-regret-a-mans-letter-to-other-men-tempted-to-cheat-20170728-2
It’s very spot on and honest and self reflective.
I, for one, definitely believe in the adage “Rejection is God’s protection”. At first, it might seem harsh statement but if you pray/meditate on it – it’s really true; you’ll scan back and think of others (besides your spouse) who have rejected you in the past that was a blessing in disguise once you put some distance between the hurtful actions inflicted on you by the party who wronged you. I have to believe that our spouses who cheat were already hurtful (previous to their affair) and would have continued to do enormously hurtful things in our marriages to us/to the union and to themselves. My husband wasn’t loyal/cherishing/protective in so many ways that I didn’t want to face or admit to myself for years – especially around the way his family – (not all) – treated me. His mom, sister and brother have been problematic players in our marriage from the get-go almost 30 years now. As awful as finding out about his affair by accident in July 2016 was (a text she sent on their secret Kik account) and earth shattering it’s been (while our young adult daughter fought cancer – yes!; and our teen son is on Autism Spectrum – yes; and I was being tested for thyroid cancer – yes, yes, yes and the AP knew about all of this too!!!), the greatest blessing of all the fallout (yes, we are together for time being if only to finish raising our disabled son who adores us both) is my ability to finally cut ties w/his toxic family members. There’s truly no hope there and something had to give – either our union or my connection his family – so I chose to cut them for self-preservation. And if I’m honest w/myself – it’s a rejection that’s probably a blessing to them too… cause now they don’t have to fake caring about me, liking or loving me because it was obvious they didn’t ever in their hearts and don’t. And I own that I was problematic at times too in the relationship. I am a ACOA (adult child of alcoholic) and I’ve recently joined Al Anon for the first time in my life: a true blessing and new path from my God/High Power. So be it, even if I was less than perfect with my in-laws, over the years, they are still very toxic folks with a lot of rage/anger as their go to default mode; as someone said “they are pickled in their own brine”. LOL. I can laugh again about some of the absurdity I put up with now. That is also a gift from God!
And his AP is a teacher in greater Dallas, TX area who lives 3,000 miles away from us and who flew herself up to have sex w/him after a 15 month emotional, on-line, sexting affair. So if you think emotional affairs are not as toxic or even more toxic to marriage than physical one… think again. And they didn’t use condoms (so, yes, STD testing all around) and she tried to re-establish connection w/him after six months so was served with a “cease and desist” contact order from our lawyers when she sent an email insisting she just wanted to “be friends” w/my spouse. What a nit wit. We have spent thousands… on recovery thru therapy, retreats, lawyers, etc. Our teen son ended up in pysch facility when his depression from the anxiety and uncertainty in our marriage, as we knew it, crumbled around him. She’s also a convicted criminal of financial crimes so guess what she was interested in besides his “winning” personality – you got it – our bank account! And yes, she was still married at the time (not sure now) to her second husband who she cheated on her first husband with. That’s right – a 2x cheater going for her third mark! There’s so much more but let’s leave her less than stellar Dallas Dummy qualities at that. (Actually, Denton-Irving, Benton, TX dummy!) And her initials are literally AP – like affair partner. Uncanny.
It’s taken me 19 months but now I can put her aside a bit and focus on who is really at fault for this – my husband. He made the decision to cheat on our marriage. He was not her victim or manipulated by her… they were both willing partners. He was reaching out to other women as well (which I doubt she’d like!) but she took his bait and vise versa the furthest. She probably thinks she was special to him but she really wasn’t… she just was the one of five he was reaching out to who went the furthest with it. Bad on her! It’s easy for wives to put the blame on their spouse’s AP – according to research – but they took no vows to us… our spouses did! Of course, while my husbands says I should direct my anger at him, the stuff that led to his affair is still there – his fear of women’s upset and anger from his mom’s abuse of him as baby and small boy. I am not sure that will ever stop. I’m not sure I can trust he’ll ever heal enough from that to not do it again- punish his mom indirectly through punishing me! Not sure I want to risk that again.
For now, I’m here to care for myself and my son while teenage and dealing w/his disability as his main advocate, and not have any added stress of separation or divorce on our son or me. If my husband chooses to end us, that’s on him. It’s his right and choice and sadly, I won’t…. I can’t be as devastated as I’ve been these last 19 months facing what was going on right under my nose for almost two years (that I know of – it could have been longer; we all have to accept that we will never, probably, know the full facts.) What happens to our marriage, after our son enters young adult years, is still very uncertain. I am giving my permission to work on myself, through Al Anon and therapy, and not rush decisions or choices. I don’t feel I owe my spouse, sad as this is, the same level of loyalty I gave him pre-the affair coming out. That’s not on me anymore either. I ask God for guidance and strength. I listen to Joyce Meyer. I try to forget what happened somedays; other days I try to forgive – mostly myself for now – for being so naive. I enjoy our two children alone and when we are all together –
our young adult daughter who is now doing better w/her cancer and her new spouse and our son. I know I am stronger today than I was the last year or so… and I could cope with our marriage ending. It’s sad but true. His affair got me ready. I will never go back to feeling that destroyed by him ever again. And truthfully, I know in my heart, that if he died suddenly right now, I wouldn’t be as devastated as I would have been almost two years ago. It doesn’t make me proud to write that … it’s very sad. But it’s also very true.
Bottom line… all of us, anyone us … has the possibility/the opportunity to cheat in our marriages – it’s a choice, a decision to NOT do so. There’s a world, a universe of opportunity for women and men/wives and husbands – to stray – thru internet porn, chat rooms, prostitutes online, games where you can text (that’s how they met – Words with Friends chat room) and the list goes on and on. And that’s on the internet – not work and social connections too. But to be a spiritual person, a caring person, a person of integrity, in all we have to do, all we have to do is utter one word to ourselves and to the person who is game to be your affair partner: NO. No is a complete sentence. I wish my husband had utter it to himself and her. Peace to all of us in this predicament. Day by day. MM
You are such an amazing woman. I hardly have had to deal with the hardships you faced but the pain is so hard. How one woman can do this to another is beyond me. I wish they feel an oz of the pain we have. Hurting so much and sad that we live in such a cruel world. I wish had your strength and grace.
Belle, I agree with everything you said. I am 34 years later. My husband decided to stay with me probably because that was the easiest route for him. He wasn’t sorry for what he did until about 10 years ago, when I feel he became a christian. He would say things like it was no big deal ( he was with her for 3 years), everyone was doing it, I wasn’t the worst guy out there. So I stuffed the pain for over 25 years because he said if I couldn’t get over it we would have to go our separate ways. I have been to several counselors even christian and read many books, but I still feel bitterness, and grief for what he did. I know God instructs me to forgive him as He has forgiven me. I have told God I want to forgive him, and ask for forgiveness from God for not being able too. I wrote a letter to the other women and told her about our family and the pain we have gone through and told her I forgive her. But she never responded. Now my husband has dementia. He does try to treat me well and is truly sorry for what he did, but I wonder why it took him so long, and why God has allowed me to have this lifelong pain. I didn’t mention my husband was a drinking alcoholic, who never was home the first 16 years of our marriage. When he stopped drinking and not working a lot he got his girlfriend for the next 3 years who he had planned to marry. I wonder if I had divorced him it would have been better. But at the time I wanted our kids the chance to go to college, and I was afraid of being poorer than we were. I wish God would tell me the purpose for all this.
My ex was a weekend father… He told our child..he met his wife of one month at church.. Hmm. For months he stopped coming to see his son.. (he told me he made it official w herin march of 2017..but married her in nov 17..)Refused.. When he said he could nt give child support cause he was paying for his wedding.. He turned outto be a firstclass jerk… Now hes obligated to take my son..on weekends.. Hes cancelled 3 times …twice no notice… Im furious..hes made it clear by his actions he doesnt want to be a fatherto my son… But yet told me he planned to have kids w her… By the way i found out he was cheating since 2014 or 2015… But of course he wont admit… But turns it around and says i cheated .. Bunch of crock… I was the fool that waited everyweekend for his visits.. Plus most important my child.. What kind of personchooses another over their own kid after a decade.. And moves on like no child exists.. How can i erase the anger .. Just as hes erased his child ..
Firstly anger will only hurt you.from what I have seen men are not as committed to children as women.i feel it would help if you let go all together,take up the full role of looking after your son, because you can’t force him to love or be there for he s son the way you would want him to be,you can do it once you just make a decision that it’s just you and your son, and whenever he feels to be there for him just let him, you don’t have anything to lose. I have seen that men get a kick out of women pleading for them and all but it’s also repulsive.but when you move on and seem stronger it’s like it makes them feel guilty.just try, it’s worth the try..
Thank you for writing this; it does help to know others have experienced the same thing and have come to some of the same conclusions. I am a different person after the experience of having my faithful husband with whom I’ve had 22 years become an evil woman’s pawn. When people used to say, “All couples fight”, I didn’t understand it. We were always comfortable, happy and did not fight. That woman had at least 5 marriages, and does not know what sanctity of marriage means. It is a game to her. Unfortunately, one that she won. She has my husband’s heart and soul, and he doesn’t care one bit about the pain he has caused me. I learned how to hate with every cell of my mind and body, and I only used to be baffled when reading about cheaters being murdered together in bed. I now understand the pain that causes those crimes of passion. And suicide, something I would have never considered, crossed my mind. I have people who would be hurt if I acted in either of those ways, and I can’t do that to them. They are indeed all I have now. They are the only love there is for me now, and I suppose it is a saving love. I also think the damage done to my husband is irreparable; he crossed a line through manipulation that destroyed his respect for our marriage vows and the sanctity of marriage. I think she dirtied him for good, and he could not be faithful even if she disappeared.
I don’t believe in divorce, when a marriage came of love. My husband’s exhuberant plaything believes in divorce and separation, as demonstrated by doing it multiple times and currently being married to a man who left the state. They stay married so she can suck off financial benefits from him exclusive to married couples. It isn’t money she wants from my husband; it is power and the ability to defeat me. As far as I can predict, we are staying married and I must let him have it both ways. I can’t take being homeless nor can I take the humiliation (personal and otherwise) or the heartbreak of kids/family knowing that we aren’t the rock-solid example they have always considered us. An example of love and old-school fidelity.
My husband thanked God for his affair for the last 2 years. He involved his children in the lies. Turns out our entire 22 year marriage was a sham where fidelity was concerned. The mistress praises God and on her Instagram. How can 2 people who have annihilated a family thank God for their deeds? I feel like I have been praying to the wrong diety my entire life? I am trying to rely on Him now, but am having trouble.
Maybe it’s your husband and his mistress who are praying to the wrong diety, and the diety you and I pray to has been there all along and is still there. I PROMISE He will see you through. I say this with great confidence. God gives man free choice and unfortunately, your husband has made poor choices and you (and myself) suffer the consequences of those choices. But in the long wrong, you’re going to see beauty rise from all those ashes. One day at a time.
Much love,
Megan
Megan,After 19 years of marriage. My husband left me for a women he had been with for 3 years. He came back, probably because that was easier than supporting 2 families. I took him back because I wanted our children to be able to go to college, so if my daughter ended up with someone like my husband she could support herself. When I took him back I made the mistake of asking too many questions. I found out he started cheating on me the first year. He became an alcoholic shortly after marriage and never was home for me and his children. Then when he quit drinking and could be home he got his mistress for the next 3 years. He won’t say he was sorry and threatened to leave me if I didn’t get over it. So I stuffed the bitterness for over 25 years. About 10 years ago he finally said he was truly sorry. I believe thats when he truly became a christian. But now he has dementia. He tries to treat me nice now, but sometimes I feel like I’m living with a 3 year old. I ask God daily to help me forgive him, but I have too many bad memories. So I need God to let me know what His purpose in this is for me.
Wow Linda, I am so very sorry. I will pray for you in this. <3
Bless you…you are certainly an inspiration. There is no deeper betrayal or pain….
Omg your story broke my heart and opened my eyes as i am a bit naive but you do not know how you have blessed me this morning. I pray god will sustain you and your 5children
Hi Maya, Thank you for the kind comment. <3
Hello Megan,
And hello to all of you who have chosen to share your stories . As painful as they are they should be told because as alone as we all feel in this situation we really aren’t. There are many women surviving the fall out.
I have to say that I am many years removed from my husbands infidelity. They say time heals all wounds but it really doesn’t. You don’t forget
I promised myself that if I ever felt that he was unfaithful again that I would confront it head on and not be the good girl who felt that this was the most horrific thing to ever say to your husband. I didn’t confront him back then and it wasn’t until a few years afterward that all of my suspicions at the time were confirmed. The betrayal was significant as it encompassed family members who knew, the police department who knew , and all the others who conversed on the sidelines and treated me like an idiot who knew. Embarrassed doesn’t even begin to define how I felt.
Like you Megan, I was the wife, the mother, the maid, cook, daughter, daughter in law, the shopper the bill payer. I was the one who enabled him to have his career and enjoy his hobbies and pursue his other interests. Who could imagine that it would involve another woman. I certainly didn’t have 1. the interest 2. the ability to pursue anything other than what I had committed myself to.
Anyhow a very long story in the abbreviated version is for me my choice was to stay in my marriage. Initially it certainly wasn’t for me it was for my children who were blameless in everything I wouldn’t have them be disgraced by this so I stayed.
It was hard the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I don’t regret it. I had endured several miscarriages subsequent surgeries and very complicated pregnancy’s I worked very hard to bring these people into the world I wasn’t going to have them burdened by this.
Fast forward to today my children are grown and successful adults. It wasn’t until recently the son I became pregnant with during my husbands adultery had his girlfriend of 7 years betray him with another man. If there was ever a PTSD moment in my life that was it. I was sent into a talespin where all of the memories flooded back to me, all of the lies, betrayal was as fresh as if it happened just last week. Hearing my husband say to him “ You will never be able to trust her again” was like being stabbed in the heart. So, I too began to write the letter to the other woman because I deserve to have my say in this. All other parties involved did…. except me. They harassed me with calls at all hours of the night, vandalized my vehicle, made random calls to my home years afterward to inquire about their former boss and friend. I don’t really much care if this letter is ever read I think what is most important is that it is written. Write it down and get it out.
I appreciate your candor, your truthfulness and dignity.
You are a wise woman.
Take care of yourself and your beautiful family.
Sue your story could be mine. My husband cheated on me for the first 19 years and people think I’m crazy when I say I had no idea. I was faithful and I thought he was just like me. He became an alcoholic and his work and who knows what else kept him out of the house 16 hours a day. He was with his girlfriend for 3 years after he stopped drinking.
He came back probably because that was the easiest route to take. I took him back for financial, I didn’t want my kids to not be able to go to college, I worked at jobs so I could be home with the kids, so I didn’t make much money, and my pride. I made the mistake of asking questions, and all he told me were wonderful things about her. He won’t say he was truly sorry for over 25 years. So I stuffed all the bitterness. Now he is sorry and a christian, but I’m his care taker as he has early dementia. I wrote the other women, she posts on FB acting like she’s a christian, but has yet to tell me she is sorry. You are right you never get over the pain.
Yes. On a good day I couldn’t agree with you more… on a bad day however it’s quite the opposite. When God grants me peace it is heavenly. I can go about my life with reminders of the betrayal going in and out without major affect. Then the bad days come…. And I’m helpless. My blood.boils and I hate. I hate so strong and so much. I want to crucify him and her. I want to shout from the roof every awful thing they did and ruin their lives. I want everyone who adores them to know the details so they will hate them. I want them to be sad and in pain like me…but this is how the devil tries to get me to fall… it is a daily battle. I need to forgive and I need forgiveness. If I do not then those sins are on me. Jesus was innocent and suffered it all. He loves my husband and this woman. How can i then hate them? Revenge is mine sayth the Lord. In peace i know that and i dont want revenge. But it is so so so hard other days. I am very weak and my heart is cold. But life here is temporary. Eternity is forever… And I want to walk that narrow road to the promise land. We all have a piece of the cross to bare… if we did not, our love for this world and all its false riches would be more important to us then that which has been promised in heaven. God wants our soul… our flesh where all this sin lives is doomed already. Trials are meant to bring us closer to God. Your ex husband and this woman have been fooled so horribly. My husband as well. God hates adultery. Their happiness temporary and their suffering forever if they do not see their errors and repent. God bless you and your sweet innocent children. God continue to strengthen you every day. God be with you and guide you. It is so sad to be in this situation but our joy will be full and we will never remember the pain. Continue to strive. Thanks for the venue to speak out. Pray lots… something again I lack.
Crying as I read this because this is my story as well! It angers me that there is no guilt! No shame! Or repentance from my ex husband who knows the Lord and was baptised withe me or this women who was an aquaintence of mine and the blame seem all placed on me! I bare it. I bare it for myself, my marriage, and my children. It angers me that their truth hurts me. It angers me that they confess Jesus yet started their life in adultery. It angers me that this woman thinks herself better than me and belittles my fault in causing my ex husband to cheat! It angers me that Im angry because I want the peace that surpasses all understand and to live in the will of God because I to am a sinner! Thank you for the courage to share your story and for being real.
Oh Christina, I so feel you in this. I promise you it will get better. I don’t know how I got to the other side but somehow I did. It took about two years and as I look back I can see that each day I got a little stronger and gained a little more peace. It is NOT your fault. Pride keeps them from seeing their sin and lust and the initial illusion of awesomeness that sin brings keeps them in it.
You are loved!
Megan
Many say they know Jesus… but Jesus says he knows them not. Your husband will have to suffer for this… seriously… think about it. I wouldn’t wish that on ANYONE not even the righteous whore who stole my husband for 5 months. Read the bible and pray for understanding. He will being you home. I am still with my husband. But he is an atheist. If he had true faith this would not have happened, I don’t believe for a second your exhusband is a true Christian from your description. I also enabled and gave my husband everything I had. Making him happy was the ultimate goal. I did not have living Faith when I married and married for the wrong reasons and I see that now. My life is the way it is because of my own sinfulness. And he will most likely do it again. NO one who knows the torture Jesus suffered would commit such a horrible act. All the pain u feel and I feel… Jesus felt. Think of The hideous load of sin he carried. Its so sad for him and he did no wrong… and yet he still forgives. So how can we not? This is what keeps me going.. but again… I’m a sinner and i fall. I just hope when it’s my time Jesus will cloth me… despite all the evil and hate that is in me now. There is so much power in prayer.
Blindsided your story is much like mine. It’s a daily battle to forgive. When a memory hits me I feel such hatred. We stayed together,but for me it has been years of pain. My husband can’t understand why I just can’t get over it. No one understands unless they have gone through it. I also daily ask God to help me forgive. I still struggle. He drank for 16 years and was never home. Never cared about my feelings
. Then I found out he had cheated on me from day one, and was having sex with his last flame for 3 years. And it took him over 25 years to feel truly sorry for everything. Now he can’t understand what my problem is with him. WOW
Dearest Megan,
You are truly a woman of GOD and I am so elated you knocked the Devil down immediately by overcoming evil with good. I know in my heart that GOD has special plans for special people like you. Being angry and resentful will only hurt you and then trickle down to the beautiful children. The two people who hurt you are living in their own little world that will probably come crashing down anyway. I believe that anything started by commiting such a horrendous sin will be destroyed in the end anyway. God works in mysterious ways. GOD called my soulmate home a long time ago so I know what you are going through.
You are a beautiful soul and I feel blessed I found your site. Thanks for allowing me to join your tribe. I plan on beating Crohn’s too! GOD bless you and your babies. ✌🙏❤
Megan, so sorry for this nightmare you have had to live through, but bravo to holding fast to your faith and dignity. Your testimony is inspirational to all hurting women going through similar situations… May God continue to guide and protect you and your children and with each new day make clearer His calling on your life and the strong voice He has given you.
So many prayers for your continued strength. You are a mighty woman of God. I know you and your children will continue to be blessed.
Thanks Samantha!
Meghan thank you for sharing and encouraging other woman and thank you for sharing Gods word because He is the only way of surviving and healing. My husband had an affair after 9 yrs and 3 children with 4th on the way and I was absolutely blindsided I can not stress that enough. Also my husband was the most loving caring devoted faithful man. Absolutely blindsided. This woman actively pursued him..it was the devils influence that my husband allowed into his life. He is 100% responsible for falling. This is the devils ultimate plan to destroy the family. Pray the rosary daily to protect your family. I am 2 yrs out past the affair…we r together and I am still wounded and shocked but some days I no longer am consumed by it. There is hope. I will pray for all the betrayed spouses for peace and love it was not your fault.
I’m reading this and tears stream down. I’m so sorry for all you wonderful ladies pain. I hear the words of such truth of what true Godly love is from a woman’s heart for her husband, and that is the way it’s intended to be.. I had a very blessed marriage to a wonderful blessing God allow us to have together , but it was time for him to leave by Gods calling him to serve as one of his angels but as God restored my devastating broken heart , thru the loss the pain , emptiness and so many un describable emotions I had to walk thru , In time of years I met a man that I as you, I gave my heart thru his false love to only find out his love was a lie. He cheated and all more of disrespect , smeared me of such false , better to say smear campaign of all his wicked hurtful doings changed all his lies into truths of me. And now that he has left with another, so quick non chalontly as if all I as you did in love was a joke. The conscience of ones cold calious actions once lead me to believe in with all he knew of what mattered to me , gone as if I and my hearts countless actions never existed like you said above I believe I only not got hit by a bus but got ran over by it , thrown under it and all the while my heart was saying why is he the driver. I as you pray Only God knows and gives me peace tranquillity as I once knew it in love from a” real man ” one made of Gods conscience heart and soul. And for this other woman that I don’t know , guess I have to be of the person I really am even though it’s heavy , God love her because he dosnt seem to understand what hearts are made for.
Wow!!! Thank you for sharing your painful story Megan. I am in the process of immigrating to the UK from South Africa. My husband went ahead a year and 4 months ago. I have had to wait for the approval of my settlement visa before I can join him. Unfortunately, in the time apart he has met someone else and developed feelings for her. I am in a spiritual warfare, praying fervently for him to choose to work on our marriage. He is confused and says he can see a life with both of us. I have cut communication with him and told him to let me know once he has made a decision. Please keep me in prayer for a positive outcome. I love him and want nothing more than to see God restore our marriage.
I pray that you have healed from your loss and wish abundant blessings over you and your children. Adultery is so evil, but Jesus overcome the grave and the victory is ours in the end!!!!
Nicole,
I am so sorry to hear this. Incredibly painful position you are in and I will pray for provision for you – no matter the outcome. It is a hard rode we walk. <3
Love Megan
Hello Megan, I just read your letter and am in TEARS! My heart ached for you while reading your letter. My husband and I are separated AND he is currently with his o.w. although unlike ur situation, he has no plans on being in a committed relationship with her. I pray that one day soon I have ur courage…I pray that one day soon I have ur strength, as right now I see her as nothing more than a homewrecker with the lowest self esteem… I asked God why was this happening… I ask God for forgiveness, but my heart still mourns, as my husband broke our vows and she knowingly invited a married man into her home. Pray for me please AND God bless u ❤
Stella,
Thank you so much for the comment. My heart feels for you too. You’re still very much in the midst of it. It took coming out of that for me before I could forgive her. Forgiveness is a PROCESS and you go through a whole host of emotions and feelings before you get there. Keep praying for God’s guidance and take it one day at a time. You are an amazing woman. Standing with you. – Love Megan
Megan I have just found this online and am reading it through tears. What an incredibly strong, brave and gracious lady you are. Thank you for sharing your story.
I am in my mid-thirties, and am six months into a very longed-for, but extremely difficult marriage. I feel let down, dissapointed with God and am trying to fathom his purpose in allowing this.
Your post has given me some perspective, encouragement and space to understand that we are called to love, forgive and constantly seek God, whatever the pain that is being metered out to us.
Know that love and prayers are coming to you from the UK.
“Well done, good and faithful servant”
Hi Naomi, Thank you for the lovely comment. Marriage is so hard even when you’re with the right person. I pray that you both can work through these difficult times. God allows our choices and sometimes, the consequences of those choices … and sometimes the consequences of other peoples’ choices (sin). But he will see you through it, regardless of how things turn out. It’s been 2 years since I left and 1 year since writing this post and I’m starting to see God’s hand in everything I went through. Trust that he’s there with you now too and he will see you through. <3
Love to you friend.
Bless you Sweetheart!
May the Lord truly uphold you & continue to lead & guide you as you travel thru your Valley of Baca…
You are one true Prov 31 chavril woman : one who KNOWS her God. May you be blessed in great abundance as you continue to walk in His ways.
Love & Blessings,
Prisca x🙏😘
I’m a little lost as to why she needed to write a letter to the woman. Through the entire letter she essentially blames the other woman for the dissolution of her marriage. Your husband chose to step out on you and whether she knew or not really doesn’t matter at this point because he’s the one who made a vow to you. You claim to be wishing her well so that when she gets married she can have happiness and not have to go through what you’re going through but essentially you’re just telling her hopefully she doesn’t feel how you feel because everything is her fault. The letter was already too long of a read and the fact that you had to give her your life story was already too much and just shows you’re more upset with her than your own husband. Good for you for being a strong independent woman and mother but reaching out to the other woman was just your way trying to make her feel bad for something YOUR HUSBAND did. If she responded to this letter I’d love to know what she said but if she didn’t, who even says she’s going to waste her time trying to?
You must be a side chick who ruined a marriage…. Please take your evil elsewhere. I wish this were fb so I could talk really bad to u..
When your spouse choses to “step out” it is a hurt and betrayal you can only understand if you have gone through it. While, I can see how someone could interpret this as “blaming” her, I don’t see blame in this letter. This is a letter that represents healing. Healing is a process. Certainly her husband is reponsible for his choices, as the other woman is responsible for hers. This letter communicates forgiveness. Not the superficial kind, but the kind that clearly communicates the hurt, the consequinces of that hurt (this is what can be interpreted as blaming) and, with all those things in mind, forgiveness. It is not caring to “sugar coat” the consequinces of a situation or actions, even when forgiving. True caring, is full and gentle honesty. I see that here. I’m sorry you read it is blaming, I don’t think that is the tone that is intended, but, in any case, it is a letter that will help a lot of healing people (whether the betrayed or betrayer) take the next step in the healing process
Dear Megan,
I admire your courage and strength of carrying on despite your adversity. Your kids are lucky to have you.
Please allow me space to share my story on your page. It is my hope that I bring you much relief and not cause you any despair or anger.
I am a lady, 34 years old and never married. No children either. I should say, I am quite successful at my career and am healthy and good looking. I am a Christian and was raised a Christian (I am sure you know what that entails.. hahah)
I have never had trouble as far as school, studies and or making friends is concerned. in that area, my life is smooth sailing. My failure is getting a committed relationship. At my age, I have dated several men, men who have adored me and cared for me, but none have ever wanted to make it last with me. The pain, the rejection, the shame. Poor me! I had my life all planned, finish school at 17, get to varsity and graduate at 21, get my Masters at 24, get married at 26 and have my first child at 28. Oh boy, was my plan wrong or not?
I remember graduating at 21 and the next thing I remember was being 30, single and no child. I started remembering my age because the questions wouldn’t stop, “when are you getting married?” When will you start having babies”? Why do you attend parties alone? Each day as it passed I became angry, angry at the questions, angry at all the men that have rejected me. I hated myself, for not being able to keep a man. Is it because I am educated, am I too rude, am I not woman enough, why do I attract all the wrong men, what is wrong with me? Why????
I would read my bible, Lord please talk to me, tell me what I need to change about myself, tell me what is wrong with me, or give me patience to wait. Waiting seemed like the most painful option of all, because the longer I waited the more the pity looks, the more the questions and the more events I have to attend by myself. The problem with being educated is, no advice is enough unless it tells you WHY..
I remember one morning I woke up to pray, I opened my bible at a random page and I found myself at Ephesians 6, and I read that chapter over and over, meditating on it, wondering what it means. I was depressed. I wanted my life to be over, to go to sleep and never wake up again. I was afraid to ever try dating again, because the thought of being rejected again was agonizing.
So in my darkest hour, I did the unthinkable, the one thing I was raised to never do. I contacted an astrologer online and requested to have my natal chart read. I wanted to understand my life, my purpose and why my life was the way it was. I did not mention anything.
Ironically the report comes back, and I am sure you guessed it, I wanted to look at marriage indication first before I could read the whole report. I remember seeing that sentence that read “marriage will be delayed for this native” because the aspect has the tendency to do that.
I remember that day, as I read that natal chart and the guilt I felt. I have committed the greatest sin. little did I know that I had started something that was going to lead me to more research than I signed up for. I started reading the bible from a different perspective.
This is what I have learnt so far:
1. The Bible is the best advice book ever written. It is not straightforward, it is the shoulder to lean on to when the going gets tough!
2. The Bible tells us to have faith, to be patient and to have our houses in order for we do not know when our maker will come. This I have come to learn, that indeed, our struggles are not against the next person, our struggles are against forces beyond us, and when we have faith, when we strive without giving up, our maker does indeed show up at the destined time.
Our maker I have learned will not come riding on a horse back, our maker comes to us through trials and tribulations, through denials, delays, rejection, marriage, divorce, death.
The bible tells us to live a life of moderation, to never look back (Ruth), to be discreet (Simson), to have faith (Abraham), to learn to comply (Esther) plus many others.
Astrology has taught me, that we are not in control of our lives, that situations will happen to us, to force us to grow, to get out of complacency, to remedy wrongs, and such things do happen, to the bad and good of us. Even the best laid plans go awry, marriages founded in love break up, innocent babies die, the innocent are wrongly jailed. But the Bible tells us to have our houses in order for we do not know the hour or time when our maker will come.
Megan, I cannot tell you why things happened in your case, I am no astrologer, but know that they had to happen. somewhere somehow there is a lesson for either you, your ex husband or one of your kids to learn or perhaps the other woman through your ex husband. It is He who has given and it is He who has taken and in all circumstances it is He who shall meet all your needs for the season.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Maybe this is the time for you to go back to law school, maybe you are that one lawyer keeping that innocent person in jail because their case requires everything you have learned through your trials. Maybe maybe maybe.. but know that this is your season, to be independent, to shine on your own and to use your God given talents. Maybe you were the only person your ex husband needed to be where he is today. Not everything is meant to last, neither does it mean this temporal separation is permanent. God works in mysterious ways, and when the forces be move on from their position in your life, miracles will be performed right before your eyes.
Keep your house ready for the next season.
As for me, I am no longer depressed. I have accepted that the men who rejected me had to because my time for marriage is not yet here and theirs has come to get married. I now know that I am not a bad person, neither were those men bad people. it was simply not the right time but our paths had to cross.
My greetings to your wonderful children, and may you smile as you take your first sip of lemonade from all the Lemons that life has given to you.
Aw Sylvia … tears as I read your comment. Thank you for sharing your story and opening up your heart to share those words with me. <3
Thank you for writing this. A year ago my husband began a relationship with a co-worker (He is an Airline Pilot, her a flight Attendant). It went on for months until he confessed and moved out. He’s been living with her ever since.
Thank you <3
I am so sorry Katelyn. 🙁 <3
Awesome and Triumphant God,
We give you praise this day – You are Lord of all, and you are worthy of our praise.
You are the Most High God. You are All Powerful. Thank you for the strength that you graciously give us. Thank you that it is your will that we walk in your POWER this day.
Thank you that your Word declares that it is your will that MEGAN walks in power, love, and a sound mind this day. Thank you that you show her how to speak out your scriptures, believe in your truth, and display your will in my life.
Lord, we will trust in you. We will be bold in your name.
We stand up and declare that Megan is strong in the Lord. She is a triumphant follower of Jesus Christ. She is more than able to show forth that the power of God is working for her and her children this day.
Thank you, Lord, that you are giving her strength to choose your voice over the voice of the enemy or the voice of her flesh. Thank you that she wants to obey you.
Thank you that you defeat confusion in her mind, discouragement in her heart, and weakness in her body. Thank you that you are bringing refreshment and rejuvenation to her day.
We have faith that you are showering her with your love and mercy. You are filling her with what she needs. You are teaching her how to love you and love others more fully. You are guiding each of her steps. We have faith that you are providing everything she needs. She will receive bountifully from you, and she will give you praise.
We declare that your inspiration, revelation, motivation, and determination are bringing transformation into her life. Thank you for changing her to become more like you.
Thank you that you have given her your secret armor. Thank you that you are teaching her how to defeat the enemy.
Thank you that she was born to be the head and not the tail.
Thank you that you are bringing her victory!
And in the Name of Jesus, we plead the Blood of Jesus over Megan, her body, her mind, her soul, and over her children’s. Father God teach her on her authority over all the as a believer over ALL principalities and powers of the enemy {Eph 1:15-20}.
In Jesus’ Name we pray, Amen.
Thank you for sharing your story. It definitely helped me see things in a clearer light. I recently met a man who I fell hard for. He told me he was engaged but he wanted it over. However, his parents and her parents were in business together and wanted the marriage. In fact, his parents threatened not to pay for the remaining semesters left for grad school. In the culture we come from, the family plays a huge role. We started a relationship and I believed he would break up with her eventually. But to my great disappointment and shock, he went home to our native country and got married this past Christmas. He called me up until the day of the wedding telling me he wanted/ needed a way out but couldn’t find any. He is back with his wife honeymooning but he still tells me to wait for him. I am beginning to see him in a new light. I think he intends to keep me as the “other woman”. This is painful as I love him dearly but I can only imagine how his wife would feel if I let this continue. It is so difficult to cut all ties but I intend to try.
If you understand nothing else, understand this… If a person cheats on their spouse/significant other, they will cheat on you too… The statistics are clear; more than 50% go on to cheat again. Research also shows that people who’ve been betrayed in the past are more likely to date a philanderer again down the line… So believe them when they show you WHO they are, and the personal character they subscribe to – being a cheat, dishonest and dishonorable. Words are the epitome of a wolf-in-sheeps-clothing! They’re tools to leverage what we want. It’s called manipulation and we learn this early in life. Talk maybe cheap, but they come with a profound cost. Don’t be deceived – be smart. You are called for so much more than this.
Hi Megan I don’t know how I came across you story but this is incredible and you are one strong mama, I think it’s the Lord that led me to this story because as am reading this story am going thru similar problems and I am 9 months pregnant with my second child and husband cheated and left me. it is the hardest thing I have to go thru right now specially being pregnant and all but I thank God everyday for giving me the strength without him I don’t know what would happen to me. I will put you and your kids in my prays.
Saki – I am so sorry. It is incredibly painful and you have a hard road to walk, but you can do it! You must. During this time last year, I was 9 months pregnant too. <3 I will be thinking of you. You are amazing and once that baby is born, he will bring sweetness into your pain. This I can tell you from experience. Much love, Megan
Beautifully written. I’m not a fan of a lot of the negative comments, but I guess that’s what comes when you put yourself out there. As for your current life as a single mom, you’re killing it! I love what you’re doing in this space, and your love is so obvious for your children.
Why do you put your business out here like this? This is emotional and a tear jerker. God is not mocked…this is not what women should do. Chaste, discreet, humble, we are to be! I just don’t see this.
We as women need to know our place. I do understand what you’re doing on your blog. I see you talk about so many secular things, but where is scripture or leading people to Christ and not to yourself or tribe?
This world is growing darker and grimmer by the moments (war, famine, pestilence are on its way). People need their souls saved! The Lord calls -ALL- Christians to preach the gospel to everyone (unless you’re a new age Christian, these words aren’t for you…sorry). We can’t heal people but the LORD can if there is faith in Him. I pray for you and I pray you seek the Lord like you seek every other thing you write about (seek Him even more before He can’t be found).
Isaiah 55:6-7 – Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:
James 4:8 – Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, (ye sinners;) and purify your hearts, (ye double minded).
We as women may assume what we do is good but it not and looks and feels a lot like feminism which is Satanism. Doing what we want!
Jonn 14:15
If ye love me, keep my commandments.
John 15:14
Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.
Are we as Christian women doing what God really want? I pray you think on that with a detox holy sound mind.
Matthew 6:33
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Added part is God giving you things that are (fit) for you. Not what YOU see fit for yourself.
Ecclesiastes 24:14-15 KJB
silent and loving woman is a gift of the Lord; and there is nothing so much worth as a (mind well instructed). shamefaced and faithful woman is a double grace, and her continent mind cannot be valued.
I pray you see…if not, I will not go back in forth with you. I see where you stand. Good day.
P.S. You can’t live fully whole without God fully in your life, walk, and heart!
I feel compelled to say this, Michelle, Joab’s friends had to be prayed for by Joab to escape punishment. Be careful to give such advice to a suffering person. The Lord is there to see to justice and to mercy.
Megan, praying for you!
Dear Sister,
1 Peter 4:8-10 (AMP)
8 ABOVE ALL, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others]. 9 Be hospitable to one another without complaint. 10 Just as each one of you has received a special gift [a spiritual talent, an ability graciously given by God], employ it in serving one another as [is appropriate for] good stewards of God’s multi-faceted grace [faithfully using the diverse, varied gifts and abilities granted to Christians by God’s unmerited favor].
Galatians 6:2-3 (MSG)
6 1-3 Live creatively, friends. If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ’s law. If you think you are too good for that, you are badly deceived.
2 Timothy 2:23-26 (NKJV)
23 But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. 24 And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, 25 in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, 26 and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will.
As a Bible believing man, I find no problem with sharing this letter to the world. Biblical principles of the importance of the family unit, and the importance of marriage are both portrayed. Not to mention one of the most important things – the principle of forgiveness. Did not Jesus say, “Forgive your enemies, bless them that curse you”?
I believe those people who have an issue with forgiving someone, and are harboring bitterness and resentment, to the detriment of their mental and physical health by the way, will have problems with this letter. If you are one of those, I would counsel, “Take your resentment and unforgiving spirit to the foot of the cross, and lay it on Jesus, and let Him heal you”.
This letter will make men who are considering this type of behavior, to think. Well done, Megan!
Thank you David. 🙂
Megan, the end of a marriage is heartbreaking and I am so sorry that all of your lives have been so disheveled.
But it does take two people to make or end a marriage. It’s not easy to see now, but in time you may recognize that, too. Marriage takes work in ways we often neglect. No, this isn’t your fault and your husband was fully to blame for having an affair. But some day you will realize an affair isn’t what ended your marriage. There were likely many, many seemingly imperceptible ways your marriage was falling apart; the affair merely an obvious symptom.
Unfortunately, it happens to us women rather frequently because we, by nature, are caregivers. We give so much to our husbands, our children, our homes, that we lose ourselves in the process. It’s ironic that what makes us amazing wives and mothers diminishes some of those amazing qualities we had as individuals, the qualities that enticed our mates in the first place.
I don’t have an answer and I’m not sure one exists. You were merely caught up in the same outcome that many of us find ourselves in and I wish you well healing.
Thanks so much for the comment Claire. <3 I totally agree that often as mothers we lose ourselves, as does a man when he dives into his respective roles. I also agree that an affair is not the only factor that ends a marriage (however I only addressed this one factor in my post); but, I will encourage you to re-evaluate your viewpoint. One person can single handedly destroy a marriage and there are situations where the qualities that attracted a man to a woman, become the very things he uses against her. It takes two to make a marriage, one to break a marriage, and two to repair a marriage. It only takes one person to decide the marriage isn't worth the effort, that a wife isn't worth the truth, that they're stronger than whatever addiction they're pretending they don't have, that a wife isn't worth communication, emotional connection, loyalty, or honesty, and that their false image is more important. You can't change something that you never knew was an issue. You definitely wouldn't think to if you were told you were the best wife in the entire world. You can't fight for something that never existed or build a marriage on a lie. Narcissism is epidemic in our society for a reason and it is toxic to a marriage. It is not your fault (or my fault) if you wake up one morning and realize your almost 10-year marriage was a lie and the man you thought you married never existed.
Much love,
Megan
Totally agree, Megan – that the man you think you married may have an entirely separate life that does not include his wife or their children. The mindset that it takes two to make a marriage and two to break a marriage was never based on scripture or connected to reality. It is also hurtful when applied to someone else’s situation.
A beautiful young woman just died in August around her 53rd birthday. She had cancer. She was a wife, mother of six beautiful sons, a great friend and was my sister-in-law for 30 years. Her husband was an addict. You name it, he was addicted to it. He didn’t give her many gifts, but he gave her diseases that likely led to the cancer that took her life. There wasn’t anything she could do to fix her man. He was broke when she got him, and he was committed to his brokenness more than he was to his family. She never stopped trying to make their marriage work. It didn’t work and it cost her everything, including her life.
The irony is that he is still alive and partying, while there are six devastated young men – his sons – who are now essentially orphaned. The only real parent they ever had is now dead.
It breaks my heart when well meaning people say insensitive things to those who are trying to heal. I have been on both sides of this – having people say really off-the-wall things to me when I was already very broken; and also saying things myself that I would take back in a minute if I could.
A little grace and empathy goes a very long way when we go poking around in someone else’s brokenness.
True statement here.Thank you. I’ve been married fortytwo years and caught my husband having sex ( can’t call it an affair) with a woman fortytwo years old. Thankfully it had only been going on a short time. It was ten months ago that I found the videos, emails, texts etc. Maybe in a way this was a blessing in disguise. I was able to point out to him she was a gold digger, luring him with sex. He left the job so he is no longer traveling out of town where she lives. Now we are trying to rebuild trust and our marriage. Time will tell. Thanks this blog had been helpful to me.
I have been married almost 35 years. Shortly after our 33 Anniversary, my stable loving and Christian husband lost his Cool with one of our kids like never before. This is an adult son. It was so uncharacteristic of him. Just a few days later he got a work related text on a Sat. night that I thought was odd although professional. He lost it when I questioned him. As things began to unfold and I caught him in lies about this person, he adamantly denied an affair. This went on for 10 months until I discovered last summer that he had hidden our savings. Forty thousand dollars. I left him for almost two weeks. Went back to him with a promise from him that we would find a decent counselor. First two were disasters. I went back to take our youngest who was graduating from high school on a week mission trip which had been planned. He showed me all the money, which he had lied to me about when I discovered the evidence but still swore to me no affair! Everything I had on him before was circumstantial. Even our counselor said that. Until I discovered the money. The 10 months he was trying to convince me that there was no affair, he was still hiding the money. I thought I was crazy! He swears it was his former porn use and pride. He has done everything in the last year to convince me he wants our marriage. I’m still here. Our kids are grown. I’m struggling big time still. Some of the circumstantial evidence is really bizarre without going into detail. I see no evidence of any affair now but honestly had no idea at the time although he was going thru something at the time. I feel like I could have been one of those wives who would have been completely blind sided had he left. I also at times feel like one of them called it off. She is married also and they worked together. He was self employed at time but went back to work for his old company in August. She has played mind games with me on FB.
I am speechless. Absolutely beautiful. Praying for you, sister.
I am not married though I consider I have a life long relationship and a man who loves me.This is very inspirational and for a once I stopped and thought think ho many things you have done for him and he for your self.Being a south Asian working woman is much hard and changeable. We always have to make our family and relationship first instead of career.Sometimes I used to think I should give up on him and well-focused on my job and personal life so I can reach the top.
But life is not reaching tops or achieving goals.Its how much you can spread your love to others.You are a brave and lovely person.
Thanks for sharing this!
You are amazing, God bless you.
Wow! You are a true inspiration and I have so much respect for you! Your faith and the way you honor the Lord is something so special and your children are blessed to call you mom! I will be praying for you and your children. Has your church family been of much help to you?
Megan, thank you for so courageously and vulnerably sharing your story. Your words and story will bless and encourage and strengthen many. I personally understand the misunderstanding, rejection, confusion, and all the other junk surrounding what I knew to be the right thing, and many relationships suffered because of it. I am almost 2 1/2 years out from leaving my husband (for the last time, not the first), and I can promise you that it does get better. The Lord is our Faithful One and He will carry you and your children. A verse that I was given many years ago, during an early separation, is Isaiah 54:4-6 “…Fear not, for you will not be put to shame; And do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced; But you will forget the shame of your youth, And the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your husband is your Maker, Whose name is the LORD of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth. For the LORD has called you, Like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit, Even like a wife of one’s youth when she is rejected, Says your God.…” We may be “on our own,” but our Heavenly Husband is caring for our every need. You already know, your children were His first and He loves them even more than you do. Blessings, my sister. xo
Kari,
Thank you so much for the comment and for the reminder that God loves our children even more than we do. I love this verse and it brings me both sadness and comfort that you can relate to my situation. Thank you for reading and sharing your perspective. <3 ~Megan
Megan, you have such a beautiful spirit. My heart breaks for you and your family, while it also fills with hope for God’s promises to be fulfilled in your lives.
I keep praying for you all, and send my love.
So powerful. Thank you!
sending love and light to wrap His arms around you as you continue to heal. hope u never end up in the claws of another narcissist and pray God restores everything the locusts ate a hundred fold.
Sending lots of love, and so so many prayers your way!!!!
I am so sorry Megan you have had to go through all of this but know that Jesus’ undeniable love, faith shines through you that only He can provide and sustain. “Not only so, but we can also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5
I will continue to pray for you.
Nuresha, Thank you! This is one of my favorite verses. <3
I want to leave another post. I have never posted anything on a blog I even feel awkward commenting on people’s pictures because I’m not good with words. I just want to say what Megan is going through and has gone through I feel as though it is a taboo subject. I have gone through similar situation and it is like I am bleeding on the outside and hurting tremendously but how do I tell people I am not mentally healthy at the moment without exposing my husband. It’s a subject where unlike your house burning down or kids getting sick I found myself not knowing how to reach out. I do not want to harp on my husband sin because God knows I have my own and it is his grace that I don’t deserve that has saved me. But on the flipside how do I deal with what just happened. I got a Facebook just got back on less than a month ago and my best friend tagged me on this article. I read every word because Megan was bold enough to express the realness what she’s going through. I guess I find myself questioning how do I hurt without hurting somebody else and watching my mother growing up doing the proper thing by keeping it hush-hush only pushed her to depression and death. What is the right healthy biblical way I don’t know.
Amanda, I can relate. Something that helped me tremendously was the TRUTH in Leslie Vernick’s book, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.” She also has a website where you can confidentially share with others who are going through this, or have come through it: leslievernick.com. Leslie tells the truth about what is and isn’t biblically correct in these situations. The Lord is faithful and will bring you through this. xo
Oh Amanda, I am so sorry. I definitely cannot tell you what to do, but I can tell you that it’s not healthy to suppress emotions. I surrounded myself with my church family and sought counseling where I could have a safe environment to just throw up whatever was on my mind and that helped a LOT. Knowing it was confidential and that I wasn’t being judged for how I was feeling or how it came out was important to me. Through this process, I learned how to express myself, worked through a lot of emotions, and then was able to have a clear mind and examine my motives when I had to approach the subject with other people – because you’re right, if you have a repentant husband, you absolutely dont’ want to keep rubbing it in, but at the same time, you’re hurting too, and this is part of who you are and your testimony. I think this may get better in time. <3 Don't be too hard on yourself. Your feelings are there and they're real and they're justified. Thinking of you. <3
Thank you for sharing your story. I have kept mine hidden but mine is also different. I can relate with your hurt . November last year is when I found out my husband has been cheating on me. But it was not one woman but multiple from women that we knew to escorts. He was gone a lot on these “business trips” which were vacations for him with other women. Even the night of our wedding he slept with another woman. Nobody and I mean nobody saw it coming. He pretrade himself to be this wholesome guy, that love me in the family. I think I went through a major shock at first because I did not see any signs at all. But the real pain was he did this while I gave birth to our two kids 15 months apart, I lost my mother before my second one was born and with absolutely no help I was alone thinking he was working. The list goes on but the story ended that before divorce could happen he received Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. He is not the same person anymore. His passion for Christ and the family encourages me in my walk. After reading your story I am so thankful that he came to know Christ. Before I read your story I found myself holding him in his past and wanting to punish him in some weird way. I’m sorry that you had to go through this alone, that was my fear. I was pregnant with her third child which I gave birth last week. But there was a time that I thought I was going to be raising three children on my own. That is such a scary feeling and I am proud of you even though I don’t know you.
Amanda,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I cannot imagine how hard this must have been for you. I am so glad that your husband accepted Jesus because I truly feel that this makes a HUGE difference. I am so proud of you for being able to forgive and happy that God restored your marriage. You are one strong mama. <3
Reading Proverbs 2 this a.m. and thinking about all of this: For her house sinks down to death, and her tracks lead to the dead; None who go to her return again. Nor do they reach the paths of life.
There is a reason that God tells us to guard our hearts!
It is obviously a very bleak future for those who don’t.
The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy and one chief weapon is to destroy families. He is having a lot of success.
Megan, I hope you do have some support from family and friends who are present with you and can give you a lift and break occasionally. You need that. May God continue to shine his face upon you and bless you with his peace as you move forward.
The writer is so good. Long suffering wife who endures every evil for an ungrateful man. Told in a way that carries the reader on an emotional journey. Her husband and his mistress, monsters. She, the devoted Christian wife. I really enjoyed it.
Thanks for sharing your story.. I don’t know how you do it; you must be incredibly busy! And very courageous. My husband did this when our last child (3rd) was almost out of the house and it was still horrible. When I found out I told him to leave the house (I’m not brave, but Gods Spirit was totally with me when I quietly turned to him and said “you have to leave now!” ) Long story but after his admission we went to counseling and we are still together, but wow, it’s still painful sometimes…
You are so inspiring! I am crying as I am reading your story. We just adopted 3 kids ( year ago) and it was one of the challenging, exhausting time in my life, and we had support. I can’t imagine going through what you did. Prayers for your beautiful family
Aw. Thanks Inna. Exhausting would be an understatement! One day (or moment?) at a time. 😉
Thank you so much for this amazing honest story. I am going through something similar and God has delivered these words to me in time of need! I found out two months ago my husband was unfaithful. We have two young children and it came as a complete shock to me. The Lord is giving me strength to move towards forgiveness and is putting all the right people and resources into my life (including your story) so that I can move on as a strong woman and mother. You give me confidence to do all this on my own! Blessings!
Aw, so glad God could speak to you through this post. You can do it! I don’t know your circumstances, but you’re going to be okay. We both will be. 😉 <3 ~ Megan
I feel you. Megan story has made me feel like I am not alone and to hear others that have endured the same and hear how they cope helps me. Thank you too for being brave.
Your a very strong woman , and like you I was married for 17 years with three children. Only drugs and a drug woman got ahold of my husband . Through the pain tourture and hearache I forgave them both and am able to move on. I take it as a lesson from God, and that he took away my husband because he no longer could help me grow as a person in this life. I went thru all God wanted me to learn with him and now await we he holds for me in my future. God bless you and thank you for sharing your story
Thankful for Christ’s grace, and for your faith in Him. May you continue to experience his peace and healing in the days, months, and years ahead.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through but your strength & love & faith are admirable, thank you for sharing. Sending you & your kids lots of love & well wishes always.
Your story is gut wrenching and beautiful, mighty and vulnerable. I am so blown away by your grace. It took me a decade to finally release my dad from the the anger I carried toward him for cheating on my mom. Once I did forgive him the burden and the weight were lifted and the grieving and healing could actually ACTUALLY start. Glad you are starting from that place of forgiveness. Can’t wait to see you new posts as they come!
Thanks Melissa! I’m so glad you were able to forgive (and heal). <3
You are a hero. THANK YOU for your honesty, tenacity, and willingness to be vulnerable. Keep fighting the good fight sister… Acts 20:24
So So SAD. So Tragic. I am sure everyone who reads this hurts. People do not realize that they can hurt even people they do not know by their actions. Like the other commenters I am grieved for you and for your children. We have gone through this a bit with our son and his ex- wife. There wasn’t another woman, but the pain of divorce and it’s ongoing effects doesn’t go away. Not for anyone. Thank you for sharing.
CLN! I have missed you. I agree, divorce is horrible. There’s no words to describe it. <3
This is heart wrenching, inspiring and beautiful… I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all this but I know a beautiful strong soul like yours will always soar. May God’s strength be made perfect in your weakness. Sending you huge massive hugs. God bless and keep you all always.
You are the salt of the earth! Your love for Jesus and the way you live your faith out is inspiring! I’m so sorry for what you have gone through and I pray that by sharing your story, God will use your words for good and help others to turn from such sin. How can we your readers be of any help? Praying for you.x
Very sad and heartbreaking to read, what a silly, silly man. You’re a brave, intelligent and attractive woman, your husband hit the jackpot and blew it. Thank you for sharing this very moving letter.
Megan,
You did the right thing as hard as it was no doubt about it. And sadly the ones we love the most are the first to judge and abandon us when we are in most need.
It’s so incredible that it happens a lot to us mothers who need the most help of all.
A lot of times friends are more caring then our own families because sadly our families don’t like to see us when we’re down and when they do they ostracize us because they think they’ll make us bounce back faster by doing it even though you were still going to bounce back but wouldn’t have needlessly suffered as much had you had a little help from them.
I feel for you when you had to go out and buy groceries postpartum for your children because if you didn’t how else were they going to eat.
Being a mother of four myself in this day in age when extended family members live far away and our kids grandparents work and can no longer offer help like our grandparents helped our parents I know what it’s like to feel alone and unsupported very often especially when having a new baby.
It’s very tough.
But please know in your heart that God is taking note of your struggles and is watching and sending blessings your way.
Keep doing what is right, stay in faith and you will see the light.
There is a lack of real men out there who do what’s right for their families and only God knows why.
But you keep being the woman that you are you did absolutely nothing wrong. Your husband cheated by himself and neither you nor your children deserve to live in that hell on earth that you would be in right now had you not left him.
You and your children will be alright.
God bless you and your children.
Thank you so much for writing this. You may not remember, but I emailed you a few times in the past. We surprisingly had many things in common… I am heartbroken that we have yet another thing in common. Being pregnant and cheated on is one of the worst things in the world. But it also proves we are strong when everyone says we shouldn’t be. Much love sent your way.
Meghan I have prayed for you several times over the last couple of months, since I learned what happened to you and your family. My heart breaks for you, and I have prayed for you today, and will continue to. I started following you because your ex-husband recommended you to me. He was my doctor, and I am utterly shocked about what happened. God bless you, and your sweet children.
I’m at a loss for words other than to say I am praying for you and yours! Thanks for sharing the love of Christ with your enemies! Truly they will know we are Christians by our love.
God speed sister!
Kim
Wow Magen! I have been wondering what happened for a while now. I applaud you for sharing. I know this is not easy for you, but also think it’s important that people know the truth. You are so blessed with so many amazing gifts. This is not the end of your story. You will go on to do great things and your children. You will find someone that truly loves you. You two will be sitting around your large family and beautiful grandchildren one day. Surrounded by love, joy and peace.
Oh my goodness you precious precious girl. I can’t stop crying. Unimaginable pain you’ve endured. My heart breaks for you. I don’t know you but if I did you’d have me in your corner. I would have been with you for your birth and taken care of you. I’m and L&D RN so that would have been a done deal! I would have made you meals and helped with your kids. I pray you had SOMEONE to help you???
I will never forget your story and triumph! Please please let us know when your Joy in the Morning comes!!!
Oh may He hide you in His wings. Bind up your wounds. Heal your heart like its never been hurt. May He provide you a Husband who is a replica of Jesus Himself who will lay down his life for you. May the Ruach breath of the Holy Spirit breathe perfect restoration in every part of your being and every fiber of your children’s being!
Megan, I don’t know you in real life but after reading this post, my heart breaks for you. You truly are an inspiration for positive thinking and overcoming hardship regardless of the circumstance. I love reading your blog and getting great ideas and information for a more holistic approach/vaccines (or lack thereof ;)). Sending you love and positive vibes your way!
That just wrenched my heart out. You *are* an incredibly strong woman. I pray that things will become a little easier, a little more joyful each day. I know you are in the living arms of Jesus, and that is good, but I will still pray for you.
Oh Megan, that was absolutely beautiful. I was almost in tears. I am so very sorry for everything. You are a strong woman! Keep your head high and know you are worthy 💜
Thank you for writing this. There are a lot of things I’d like to say but they all seem inadequate, or trite.
May God provide you what you need. I’m so sorry this happened to you and your kids.
Didn’t mean to start my day off reading something so raw and beautiful that it made me cry but…. It happened.
Know that I always send you good vibes and you’re often in my thoughts.
Thank you for sharing your experiences so people can learn.
Wow you are a strong woman!! I sit here in amazement of what this last year has brought you. I pray, in Jesus name, that He will continue to hold you up and give you strength when it all seems gone. I pray for all your children that they will know and understand your love for them and the Fathers love also. I’m not sure where you live (I’m sure it says in your profile somewhere lol) but if we were close I would give you a hug! But here’s one from cyber space (lol). And may God someday bless you with a real man who will love God first and you with all he has! I will continue to follow and pray for you!!
What a brave…honest…marvelous woman you are by the power of God, Jesus and Holy Spirit!!
Yahoo!!!!!!
Thank you for sharing something so raw. I’m so sorry you were treated so poorly.
I can see that you are coming through strong and with your faith intact, and that is a beautiful and inspiring thing.
🙁 I can not even imagine what you endured. So incredibly brave.